If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses