If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
You Might Also Like
This was the best day of my life
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please