@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

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@iAmJuddy

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@jonnysun

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

@keyblur_justin

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

@LindaInDisguise

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”