If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk