If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

You Might Also Like


“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive


I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.


{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.


Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”