@iAmJuddy “It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
@WhatevaConc If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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@iAmJuddy 
@Aspersioncast Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
@jonnysun *kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
@keyblur_justin I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
@AmericanGent69 {emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
@nattylumpo88 I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
@LipLush1 Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
@calluptome If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
@Cheeseboy22 My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
@LindaInDisguise Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”