If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
me working on my assignments ^-^
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic