If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO