If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…