If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.