If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*