If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”