If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I saw nothing
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.