If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
your honor my client chooses dare
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.