If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You Might Also Like
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
who wants to go expliring
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy