if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.