if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.