If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.