If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.