If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
the battle rages on
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole