If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?