If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You Might Also Like
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience