If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
You Might Also Like
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.