If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.