If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
thanks auntie mary
Living the best life.. 😊
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Every. Damn. Time.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT