If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
when you are just born a rebel
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.