If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*


Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.


So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.


[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor


It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.


Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy