If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E