Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*