Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My flabber has been gasted.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣