@TampaBayMomma

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

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@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@LindaInDisguise

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@isabelzawtun

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine