Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?


I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.


If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact


Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.


Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.


A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.


maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins