@TampaBayMomma
@junejuly12 Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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@junejuly12 
@Contwixt I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
@TheWriteStuff2u Your proctologist called. He found your head.
@DanMentos If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
@ristolable Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
@iAmJuddy Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
@joeldanger Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
@Jesssicle I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
@leechee420 A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
@snmrrw maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins