Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
peeping toms
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.