ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight