@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Selfie
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.