IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.