IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’ve been learning to cook.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.