[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.