Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Well, this certainly took a turn
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.