I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people