I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
