I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.