@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

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@capricecrane

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@skickwriter

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

@TheAndrewNadeau

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@sbellelauren

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period