I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.