@MarkAFuqua1

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

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@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

@GrrrRach

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

@zacharyflynn

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

@ddsmidt

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

@TheAndrewNadeau

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

@bessbell

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-