I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.


Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick


*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*


I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.


Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad


“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.


You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.


They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-