@MarkAFuqua1

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

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@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@Loli_Sug

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@govindajeggy

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

@briantheruller

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@Astute_Galoot

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.