I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

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Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*


I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.


“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,


The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated


“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*


Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.