@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

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@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

@Aikiwomannc

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

@FamousCeleb

*puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Pussy Look Like Fold Up Piece Of Ham

@DeathBecumsMe

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

@Fred_Delicious

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

@Anniewritess

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.