“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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work smarter, not harder
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I am never leaving this website
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”