“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.