I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online