I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
plant them where lol
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.