I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe