I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
When you’ve simply given up.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
when dads have a rap battle