I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I think we should hear other voices.