I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me