I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*