@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

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@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@NYC_Blonde

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@shutupmikeginn

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@TheGrimKing

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

@_Mo_lee_

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..