Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.