Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.