I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
😬
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.