I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.