I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.