I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
this is the best day of my life
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
The dark side of Canada