@permawedgie

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

You Might Also Like

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

@Cheeseboy22

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@Parentpains

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.