@deadeyebrakeman “I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
@permawedgie I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
You Might Also Like
@deadeyebrakeman 
@generaldietz Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
@CruisinSoozan Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
@OldUncleDaveO I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
@samalmightysam If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
@jimmytorosian Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@ChrisHallbeck How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
@TrueTorontoGirl Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
@ItsJustMLC *PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
@xoMISSYox I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.