I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

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[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.


Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?


If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.


Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.


My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.


It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk


I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.


Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??


I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.