I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Why am I like this?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training